Twilight Headcannons
by Sebastian Faustus
Summary: Random weird stuff that I thought up while being forced to watch the entire Twilight series on a bus! Warnings are for language, mention of drug/alcohol use, Boy's Love, cross-dressing, AU(Not quite, but enough that I'll mention it anyway.), OOC (duh!), sexiness, and stupidness. Look, if you don't like that kind of thing, just don't read it!


Okay, so basically this is a bunch of headcannon (cannon means things that are real/true to the book, etc., so headcannon would mean stuff that you make up that kind of fit into the book, etc.) thingies for Twilight. I am not a huge fan of it, but I was (forced) into watching it on the bus to and from Washington D.C., and I wanted to write some of the stuff that I came up with. Keep in mind that these are the ramblings of a BL (boy's love) obsessed teenager, so they will be TOTALLY GAY and REALLY,REALLY STUPID. Warnings are for language, mention of drug/alcohol use, (aforementioned) BL, cross-dressing, AU(Not quite, but enough that I'll mention it anyway.), OOC (duh!), sexiness, and stupidness. Look, if you don't like that kind of thing, just don't read it!

1. Bella was high when she came up with the name Renesmee.

2. Alice is actually a boy. He dressed like a girl so he and Jasper could get married, but liked it so much that he kept doing it.

3. Jasper liked it too.

4. Emmett changed his name when he turned into a vampire. His original name was Jurston Kimylana Durden.

5. Jacob has a thing for high-heeled boots, garters, and hair ribbons.

6. Sam really, _really_ likes feet.

7. Leah left the pack because she was tired of hearing about Sam's dreams about licking her and Emily's feet simultaneously.

8. Edward's favorite food when he was a human was Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches.

9. *Special! This one gets a story!*

"Um, Bella? What are you reading?" Bella slammed the book closed.

"N-Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" She turned a bright red, silently cursing herself for being so obvious.

"I can read the back," Edward informed her from across the dining room. The even redder Bella slid the offending book onto her lap, and then sighed.

"I guess _no one_ can keep a secret from you, huh?"

"Mmm, probably not," He crossed the room, coming to stand next to her. "I guess you like that kind of thing, huh?"

"Yeah." No use in denying it now.

"Was it any good?"

"What?" Bella looked confused and surprised, even though it was a pretty simple question.

"The book. Was it good?" he clarified.

"Ah- Well, y-yes. It's one of my favorites,"

"So you've read more? Can I see some?" Now the confused look was a bit more justified.

"Well, a-alright." Bella led Edward upstairs to her room.

"Wow, you really do have quite a lot." They both gazed at the nearly twenty novels stored neatly in the back of her bottom drawer.

"I guess I do. Forks' bookstores don't have much of this kind of thing, so I have to buy them online. It's hard to know what's good when you can't read anything before you buy it."

"Which are your favorites?"

"W-well, that would have to be… hmmm…" Bella took a few moments to fumble around in the drawer. "This one was great. The plot was way above average, and there wasn't too much fanservice. This was pretty hardcore, but the author has a really good style. Oh, and that, on the left, my favorite, is really old." She flipped the cover open to check the copyright date. "Wow, I didn't know these were even _legal_ back then. Anyway, that's definitely the best. I've always like the older ones better. More of an emphasis on plot and idea than the… smut…" Bella trailed off awkwardly, suddenly remembering that Edward is a boy and probably wouldn't be interested in…

"Do you mind if I borrow this?" Edward asked, holding up the old book.

"S-sure… no, go ahead." She stammered awkwardly.

"Thank you." He kissed her lightly on lips. "I'll see you tonight, okay?" He jumped out the window, leaving in a way very typical of Edward.

Bella was left alone once again. The entire episode was still a little strange, and she still was pretty confused. What in the world would her boyfriend, who was born in ******Birthday year!*****, want with her private collection of BL novels?

10. Jacob's real mother was Mike's mom.

11. Jacob and Edward actually think that the other smells pretty good.

12. When Rosalie showers, she sings to Lady Gaga.

13. Carlisle and Edward were always secretly jealous of Alice's cross-dressing abilities.

14. Bella practices voodoo on the side.

15. Once, she used it to try to get Edward and Jacob to make out.

16. It worked.

17. Sam had an operation to make his voice sound really deep and narrator-in-a-superhero-movie-y.

18. *Special! This one gets a story!*

"You should kiss." The three-inches-apart-from-each-other teenage boys stopped their fighting to glare at Bella

"Why in the world would we do _that_?!" Edward asked and Jacob shouted.

"Well, I was just thinking that you two, you know…" Bella crossed her arms, gaining confidence. "You two would make a good couple!"

They just stared at her.

"Come on, the sexual tension, the whole 'our families and species hate each other' thing, you can understand each other's pain because you both have superhuman strength, you're the stereotypical opposites, so you look good together, and your families or your ideals would probably be really against it, adding to the plot."

"Are you _insa-_"

"Let's just do it for her, dog," Edward whispered into Jacob's ear. "I mean, she does really seem to want us to." He nodded pointedly at Bella, who was staring at them with an expectant look on her face, her cheeks flushed.

"Fine," Jacob replied under his breath. "But I will _not_ enjoy this, bloodsucker," He bent down and pressed his lip's to Edward's. Both of their eyes widened, and the kiss deepened.

"Wow, I didn't know you guys would get that into it! I'm going to get my camera, so don't go anywhere!" Bella shouted behind her as she ran off.

"C-camera?" Edward asked nervously from his position on the ground underneath Jacob.

"Crap… if anyone sees us like this…"

"Let's just try to enjoy ourselves for now." He tangled his fingers farther into Jacob's hair.

"Agreed." And Jacob pressed his body more firmly to that of his rival's.

19. Jasper can't read.

20. Esme and Renee were having an affair, but broke up because they couldn't agree on who should top.

21. Carlisle found true love with a nineteen year old pre-med intern. He has black hair.

22. Once, Emmett dared Alice to act like a boy for a whole day, but he couldn't do it.

23. It was really awkward when Edward came home after meeting Jacob and Alice ran out of the room laughing over what she had a vision of.

24. Seth got really rich after he made a soap opera based on the pack's life.

25. It was called '_Random Shirtless Fanservice-y Wolf Boys' Angst_'.

26. Jacob keeps trying to get Edward pregnant.

27. Jacob's best day ever was when Edward dressed up in high-heeled boots, a garter, and hair ribbons for him.

28. Bella's best day ever was when she spied on Edward dressing up for Jacob in high-heeled boots, a garter, and hair ribbons.

29. Renesmee was really confused when she read a book called '_Twilight_'.

"What? This isn't how it is at all!"

Liked it? I hope so! If you have any ideas, just write them in a review. It's unlikely that this'll be more than a one-shot, but if I get enough 'inspiring suggestions' I might write more. Sorry it's so stupid, but I guess it was meant to be!


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